Thursday, September 17, 2009


I saw four different doctors over the past two days. Each had something positive to say or do. My cardiologist was just delighted with my cholesterol levels -- HDL 52; LDL 52. “It doesn’t get much better than that,” he told me.

My MD removed the staples from my scalp, and said there were no problems. I have now been, um, destapilized.

My physical therapist, on watching me do some exercises, said that I appeared to be getting a bit stronger.

And finally my chiropractor, in checking out the various places where I generally have kinks and sore spots, only found some “popcorn” in my neck. “Popcorn” is the term I use when he cracks my neck, and it sounds like corn popping.

All of which leads to some humor:


ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."


  1. Great news from the docs! And thank you fr the Bob Hopeisms, I loved them. :-}

  2. Congratulations on the best pun of the day. Destapilized--I love it.

    When I had my colectomy, they told me that one of the first people put on a bag, back when they were made of rubber and sometimes melted on hot days, was the man who was out there entertaining the troops in the tropics anyway. Bob Hope.

    Since Jack Kemp's kid Jeff went to my high school, he got his friend Bob to come be our graduation speaker. Every high school class should have so much fun at commencement, I tell ya. The man was hilarious.