HOW LUCKY CAN I GET!

or, there are some advantages to being handicapped. Last night Cliff drove me to the bookstore in downtown Mountain View where one of my favorite authors spoke. The talk was scheduled to begin at 7:30, so I figured that if I arrived by seven, I should be able to get in the door. Well, I got antsy, and we left a bit earlier than scheduled. I arrived at the bookstore front door at 6:45, and already there was standing room only! I was on the scooter, so didn’t need a chair, As I inched past the standees and started down the aisle toward the front, a voice behind me said,“Keep going,” and I turned to see an authoritative woman telling me to go clear to the front, so I did. She had me park all the way in front at one side near a woman in a wheelchair, and that was fine with me.

Ms authoritative (whose name was Sandi) may have been the store manager, for she picked up a microphone, and was giving instructions to both other employees and the gathering crowd. Seems that those who bought the latest Gabaldon book at that store had preferred seating in the first few rows, and also would be the first to come forward to have their books autographed. I had brought my book for signature, so when I caught Sandi’s eye, I asked her how far back in the queue I might be. “You won’t,” she said, “you and she (indicating the woman in the wheelchair) will be first.” And so it was. I also got to ask the very first question when that session arrived.
So! How lucky could I get!

Humor:

One fellow was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. So, he came up with this idea. He put the word out that he had a new Mexican Lion that would attack anyone that broke in or climbed his fence. Would-be thieves saw the "Lion" from a distance and fled the scene.

RUNNING CONVERSATION

Inasmuch as I cannot do my own nails, I’d gone to my favorite beauty salon for my regular manicure and pedicure. This is a shop owned and operated by a Vietnamese couple, and they hire Vietnamese beauticians. This day I was sitting in my scooter while the young lady was trimming my nails, and immediately to my left another young beautician was doing the nails of an older woman. After a few minutes it dawned on me that the older woman was talking a blue streak -- in what seemed to be Russian. Now I know a grand total of two words in Russian, da and nyet (yes and no). And I heard those two words a number of times. I wondered, “Does this Vietnamese young lady understand Russian?” She was busy with her work, and did not appear to be responding to this flood of verbiage. On the other hand, the customer’s hands were being occupied by the work at hand (pun intended), so she was not holding a cell phone.

Well, it became apparent what was happening when the beautician got up and walked to the back of the shop to get something. The customer kept right on jabbering, so I came to the conclusion that she had to be wearing one of those hands free cell phones, though I couldn’t see it. Turns out I was right when the customer finished, got up and turned around. I could then see the equipment she was wearing. But it sure seemed strange to me at the beginning.

Humor -

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and
wife.'

AN ECHO IN THE BONE

This is the title of Diana Gabaldon’s latest book in the OUTLANDER series -- the seventh in what is supposed to be a total of eight books in this long, long story. Having just finished it, I have to say that at 814 pages, it was about 200 pages too short! I wanted to keep on reading -- but there I was at the end of the text. What about ... and then there is ... and how about ... well, you get the idea! Ms Gabaldon says it takes her three years to complete one book in the series. At my age and infirmity, I hope I last three years!

Well, nothing to be done, but wait. However, this Wednesday evening I, along with other fans, will hear and see her at a local bookstore. We get to ask questions, and I will have several, I assure you.

Now to the more humorous side of things --

THE NEW ALPHABET

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.

Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.

D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.

W is for worry, now what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my
body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully
employed!!

BRAIN TEASERS, part 2

Study the five brain teasers. Then, see if you can answer without looking at the answers.

a. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

b. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

c. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual, though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Answers below.

***

The other day I talked about the batteries going out on one of my scooters. So we drove up to the repair place (you know which one, Alison), and waited while the repairman checked the batteries. He came out to say that the batteries were fine. The problem appeared to be with the brake that was partially on, and thus draining the batteries. He’d have to order a part from the factory. That was a week ago. When I’d phone, I was told the part would be in that day. Didn’t happen -- several days in a row. Then Friday came a call saying the part had arrived -- but it was the wrong part. Now I don’t know if the shop ordered the wrong part, or the factory simply shipped the wrong one. The result is the same -- no scooter. Today they are presumably ordering the correct part to be shipped overnight, and then I can have it on Tuesday. I’m not holding my breath.

BRAIN TEASERS ANSWERS:

a. Charcoal. This one is tricky. Only old-timers can remember using coal for heating.

b. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

c. The letter "e" - the most common letter in the English language - is missing from the entire paragraph! This one was hard. If you got this one, give yourself a pat on the back.

EARTHQUAKE AND PANDAS

Recently there was an earthquake in China in the area where the giant pandas live. These cuddly looking animals are well protected, especially the babies, so when the quake hit, there were those who rushed to save the pandas.










They were fed milk



















Schlurp, Schlurp!












Even (especially) the babies















More babies with bottles.















Safety in numbers.













No, I don't want a shot.













Ain't I cute?










Some in the play pen; some out.












Also a good place for a nap.











Well, I'm still awake!










The accommodations here are nice, but when can I go home?

YOSEMITE

I keep running across photos on my computer I didn't know were there, so you may as well enjoy them. I have not been to Yosemite in some years, but these pics brought back some of the awe I remember. I wish there were more, especially some of the longer views, but ... well, one does with what one has. Incidentally, there have been those who pronounced this national park with three syllables -- Yo See Might -- but as I'm sure you know, it is four syllables -- Yo Sem i tee. Just to keep you pointed in the right direction.

Yosemite Valley, very early morning. The valley is still in shadow, but there is light on the
face of half dome.

A little later in the morning. Now the sun is lighting the face of half dome.

I can't be sure, but this might be the base of El Capitain, a sheer granite wall that is a
favorite of climbers

If one stays overnight, there are several possibilities. This is Camp Curry, not the most luxurious of accommodations.

Sometimes the shore of the Merced River is full of vegetation, ...

...and sometimes the shore is sandy. This is the river that, over many eons, carved
this gorgeous valley.

Yosemite Falls - lower portion. At this angle, the upper part is hidden from view.

Seems a shame to go from the sublime to the ridiculous, but ...

Late one night two policemen find a drunk crawling around on his hands and knees underneath a street lamp.
“Looking for something, buddy?” asked one of the cops.
The drunk looked up. “Yesh, offisher, I losht my glashes”.
“You lost your glasses? Here? Under the streetlamp?”
“Uh, nooo, down the shtreet dere. But the light ish better here.”

A WEIGHTY SUBJECT

Of necessity, today's fun is split:

BRAIN TEASERS
Study the following brain teasers. Then, see if you can answer without looking at the answers below.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

***

Yesterday I posted some health information about yours truly, including the fact that I have lost about 15 pounds (they should be around here somewhere) in the last couple of months. That reminded me of another time when I had lost a considerable amount of weight.

It was back in the late 60’s when I was hospitalized with a severe illness. I was in the hospital for about 10 - 14 days, and when I was released, I weighed myself on my home bathroom scale. I was down to 113 pounds, from my typical 140.

As luck would have it, I received an insurance check and decided to treat myself to, among other things, a new bathroom scale. My nephew Jack (6 years younger) phoned to see how I was doing, and I asked him if he would like to have my old bathroom scale. “Sure,” he said. “When can I pick it up?” “Anytime,” I replied, and a day or two later he came by. “This thing work?” he asked. “Of course,” I replied. At that point he weighed about double what I did. Now Jack was -- is -- a big man. “Double? Nah!” he said as he stepped on the scale. And he promptly got off! Wouldn’t tell me what he weighed, but I suspected it was something over 230.

As to my weight loss, my mother and eldest sister decided to take care of that. As my sister put it, I had to stand twice to cast a shadow. I was invited to dinner, invited for dessert (“Would you like some ice cream for dessert?) They knew my weakness for it. You’ll just have to imagine how high over the rim of the bowl they could pile a frozen dessert. So naturally I gained back what I’d lost. Fairly quickly.

Well, today I must find those lost pounds myself. Um, that’s not completely accurate. A.H. brought me a chocolate torte, ingredients noted: “ The top is one half a Trader Joe's Pound Plus bittersweet bar and about 3/4 c of manufacturing cream--nothing else. The latter being 40% butterfat as compared to the measly 32% of heavy cream.” I suspect that should have some effect.

BRAIN TEASER ANSWERS:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman is a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.