A JUICY TALE

For many years my wife Amalie blended half a banana each with orange juice to go with our morning breakfast. And therein lies a tale.

Several years ago we flew back to Washington, D.C. for the express purpose to see some of the Smithsonian museums. We had booked a hotel room a few blocks up the hill, and discovered that the facility had a dining room that served all meals. As a result we ate all our breakfasts there, and several dinners.

One evening during dinner a manager dropped by our table to see how we were doing, and we asked if we could have banana blended into our orange juice in he morning. “You can have anything you want,” he replied. Oh, good!

The following morning we told our waitress what we wanted. Perhaps this woman had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed, or something, but she snapped, “We don’t have a blender in the kitchen!” We explained what the manager had said the night before, and she stomped away muttering under her breath. We waited. And waited. And waited! Then we heard what sounded like a blender whirring away ... in the bar! And shortly after that we were delivered two decent size glasses of orange juice -- with banana. Ms Grumpy put them on the table -- grmmph! -- and stalked off. The rest of the breakfast was equally enjoyable.

Now for your first-meal-of-the-day enjoyment, here is the horribly complicated recipe:

Required equipment:
One kitchen (or bar) blender.
One knife sharp enough to cut a banana.
Two 8 ounce glasses.









Ingredients:
14 oz orange juice, preferably chilled
One banana, peeled. (If you embarrass easily, you may want someone else to peel the banana). (One distinct advantage to this recipe is that the banana can be at most any stage of ripeness. I use those that are still a bit green on the ends, but Amalie used to add banana that was, to put it mildly, overripe. Still worked.





Take top off blender.
Pour in orange juice
Cut banana into several chunks. Not necessary if banana very ripe, in which case just squish in hands. Add to blender.
Put top on blender. That keeps fingers out of blender, and juicey banana in.
Turn on blender. I use LIQUEFY). Let run 20 to 30 seconds.
Turn off blender.
Remove top.
Pour into glasses. The juice; not the top.
Drink.
Enjoy!

Serves 2

Okay, you may think I’ve overdone it with the directions. Consider: Many years ago a Newcomers Club decided to publish a recipe book to be given to newcomers to the community.. The request went out to members to turn in their favorite recipe(s). One came in for a presumably fancy omelet that began: “First you make an omelet...”
Yeah.

Fun time --
(I heard this on the radio the other day).
Presume that a new movie has just been released, with the simple title CHILDREN. Now presume an announcer saying, “CHILDREN” (pause). “Now playing everywhere.”

***

There was a young lady named Stella,
Who said, come sit by me, young fella.
The mosquitos, they bite,
They are awful tonight,
And you smell just like Citronella!

Dear Deer

This tiny deer was delivered by Caesarean section at a wildlife hospital after his mother was killed by a car. Little Rupert, who is so small he can fit in an adult's hand, was born after vets failed in their battle to save his mother.








At just six inches tall and weighing just over a pound, he is now in an incubator in the intensive care unit at Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital in Buckinghamshire.
He has only recently opened his eyes.
Les Stocker, founder of Tiggywinkles, said: 'Rupert's mother had very severe injuries. We brought him out and got him breathing and then he went into an incubator on oxygen. He is now being fed by a tube.'

Snoozing in the incubator.

A handful. Looks like he will sleep anywhere.











Rupert pulls a striking pose for the camera
Staff are optimistic Rupert, now five days old, will make a full recovery.

'Deer are very, very tricky but this one has spirit. He's an extremely feisty little guy and quite pushy,' Mr Stocker said.

And now ...from the adorable to the ridiculous:

The Top 12 Indicators that the Economy is Bad

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America ?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them

ARMY ADVENTURES --HOW TO USE A RIFLE

Upon my release from the base hospital, I was assigned to an 8 weeks basic training company, heavy weapons. They were all heavy as far as I was concerned. But these were the 81mm mortars, instead of the 60mm, for example.

But this story is about rifle training. How to shoot from various positions: prone, kneeling, sitting, squatting, and standing. This particular day it was dry run practice -- getting into position, aiming properly, and squeeeeeezing off the shot. It was impressed on us to squeeze slowly, as a quick jerk would pull one off target.

I was okay (sorta) through the positions until we got to squatting. There I was, s l o w l y squeeeeeezing the trigger, when my knee popped, and I flipped over backwards. The knee didn’t go out completely, but if there had been ammunition in the weapon, I might have shot someone. I quickly mentioned this to my platoon leader, saying that flipping backwards when down on the rifle range might not be a good idea. He said he would get back to me.

When we got to the rifle range, he told me that when the call came for the squatting position, I was to use the sitting position. Fine. And the time came. That day was extremely windy, and the officer in the tower had to shout into his mike in order to be heard. Our company was down to the right of the tower, so that when I sat down, I had my back to the tower. Safety was a key factor, and there was a whole procedure that was followed between each shot (or type of shot, I think). I remember the “Ready on the right, ready on the left” bit. So the tower officer went through the safety procedure, and then “READY ON THE RI....WHAT’S THAT MAN DOING ON HIS BUTT?” I put my rifle down and turned around in time to see my platoon leader running down to the tower, up the steps, and talking to the officer. “AW RIGHT, AW RIGHT!”

But that wasn’t the end of the day for fun. Out where the targets were was a deep pit where other GI’s ran the targets up and down. We took careful aim when the target was up, fired a shot, and the target was pulled down. Then it came back up to show where the bullet had hit.
There I was, flat on my stomach, squeeeeeeeeeeezing off a shot, when the target went down. I had not yet fired. Target up. BULLS-EYE! Turned out the guy next to me accidently aimed at my target. I got the credit -- he didn’t! Yeah, life isn’t fair.


Humorous video:
I must say that this is doggone funny, even if it is a cat-astrophe.
Enjoy!

LIQUID AND SOLID

These photos were sent to me by two different friends. The photos from space were taken by the Hubble Space Telescope. There are many more of outer space that are most remarkable. I can show those another time. The images of waves were taken by the number 1 photographer of surf: Clark Little. He captures magical moments inside the "tube", as surfers say.

The "liquid" is obvious, especially to anyone who has been struck by a wave. I really should put the "solid" in quotes, for while it may look solid from space, we know that the surface of the earth is mostly "liquid". (thank you, Lynn) Enjoy!





















Earth with full moon






























Earth with moon rising






















Earth with new moon




























Earth with clouds











And you want humor, too? I especially like the last two:

These are some of the winning entries in a recent year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Department of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first sentence of a bad novel:

~ "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

~ "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

~ "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: ‘Andre creep… Andre creep… Andre creep’."

~ "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

~ "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

~ "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

~ "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

~ "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER WAS…

~ The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

Keepin 'cool

It has been so hot in South Australia for over a week...40+ degrees Celsius (104 degree Fahrenheit) everyday. Very dry also.

A guy at work lives at Maude. His wife sent him these photos of a little Koala which just walked into the back porch looking for a bit of heat relief. She filled up a bucket and this is what happened! (Photos are dated 30 January, 2009)

Testing the waters

Hey! Not bad!

No, you can't join me! All mine!

Fun time: From “Awww” to “Hahaha”
UNITS OF MEASUREMENT

1 million microphones:
1 megaphone

1 million bicycles:
2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
1 lite year


1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks:
1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish:
1 microfiche

1 trillion pins:
1 terrapin

10 rations:
1 decoration

100 rations:
1 C-ration

2 monograms:
1 diagram

8 nickels:
2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League

ARMY ADVENTURES - Fort Ord #1

A million years ago, when I was a teenager, I injured my knee playing a pickup game of football. The injury, I was told, was to the cartiledge of the right knee. Now that injury played quite a role while I was in the service. No, not the Spanish-American War!

I was drafted into the army on March 2, 1951, and that was during the Korean conflict. Couldn’t be called “war” because war had not been declared.

I was assigned to a six weeks’ basic training cycle, and just about half way through, we were on a drill where we were prone on the ground, had to jump up, leap over a fairly wide ditch, and hit the dirt on the other side. Well, I hit, all right. Landed on my right leg, the cartiledge popped, and down I went. As was usual when my knee went out, it swelled up like a grapefruit, and I could scarcely walk. I knew it would take about a week for the swelling to go down, so I was hauled off to the base hospital.

I was furious! I figured I was going to have to start basic training all over again, and that did not appeal to me at all!

The army doctors took me into an examination room to see what they could figure out. I kept saying it was a cartiledge injury, but they had to prove it to themselves. “Do you want us to operate on that”, I was asked. “No, thank you,” I replied grumpily. So they sent me back to the ward where I continued to simmer.

A day or two later, with yours truly still sending smoke out of my ears, the ward doors opened, and a couple of GI’s pushed in a piano. “Oh, no,” I groaned to myself, “now some idiot is going to try to (ugh) entertain us with lousy piano banging”. And in came some fellow who sat down at the piano, and behind him came ... I am not making this up ... Danny Kaye! He had performed the night before at the Soldier’s Club, and now was making the rounds at the hospital to try to cheer up us poor guys.

He went around to every bed, and said something to each GI. I have no recollection what he said to me, but I was most astonished. Then he went over by the piano, did a couple of numbers, and then left for the next ward.

Well, the effect on me was transforming! About a week or 10 days after the swelling went down, I was assigned to a new basic company, and I started all over again. But that’s not the end of the saga of my bum knee. More another time.


Humor:
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User.

Reply:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common complaint.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it isjust a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear".

The best course of action is to enter the command APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

HUMMINGBIRD LANE

The following came to me in an email. It needs little, if any, comment from me.




"This is something I have never seen before, or ever even heard of. This woman lives in a Hummingbird fly zone. As they migrated, about 20 of them were in her yard. She took the little red dish, filled it with sugar water and this is the result.


The woman is Abagail Alfano of Pine, Louisiana. She has been studying them daily and one
morning put the cup from the feeder, with water in it, in her hand. As they had gotten used
to her standing by the feeder, they came over to her hand. She says in touching they are as
light as a feather. Abagail also said, 'if she had known her husband was taking pictures she
would have put on makeup.' “
















I love the shot of the bird coming in on the right. As I commented to my son Cliff, he looks like a fighter plane coming in for a landing on an aircraft carrier.












"Hey, gang, the food is over here!"










"Now you may wonder why I called this dinner meeting..."