I'm BACK!

Now I will admit that this is cheating because I took this photo when I came home from the hospital. But that's what I felt like
when they took me to the hospital.

I woke up about 1 a.m. Tuesday morning in severe pain. So I hit my emergency call button, and the fire department came out , called me an ambulance, and hauled me off to El Camino Hospital. Pain medication got me out of my misery, and I was hospitalized for a couple of days. I'm home now -- still a bit wobbly, but better off here. Those hospital beds are ghastly.

On the other hand, here I am on the day I came home. A little scruffy, with a three day growth of beard, and my hair uncombed, but obviously feeling much better.

And then things got better when Alison came to visit. Too bad I didn't get a photo of her. She is looking good. We had a delightful chat, and she insisted I take some of the Scharfenberger chocolate I had meant for her.

The best news of the day is that my son Clifford is on his way down here (from the state of Washington) and should be here sometime this Saturday. He will be living with me.

Many, many, many thanks for all those nice comments about me on Alison's blog. That was a real cheerer upper!

Yes, yes - you missed the humor. Let's see what I can do for you humor-aholics:


Getting a hair dryer through customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor? ''I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

***

There once was a man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe,
He awoke in the night
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true

There once were two cats in Kilkenny,
Who each thought there one cat too many.
So they fought and they fit,
And they scratched and they bit,
'Til instead of two cats, there weren't any.

***

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school or college was my blood alcohol content.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is said to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Going to church doesn’t make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

***

One day a Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It's certainly not a ship.”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Scot and said to him,
”Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?” '

'Ten years,” replied the amazed Scot.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. ”Ahhh,” said the castaway, “that is so good!
I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

“And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there, removed a flask of scotch, and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. “'Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Scot. “'Tis truly
fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?'” With tears in his eyes, the Scot fell to his knees and sobbed, “OH MY! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!”