Cliff's home!

Cliff arrived last night about midnight. He insisted on emptying his truck, so he didn't get to bed until about 3 a.m. So he slept in a bit this morning, then got up to return the truck to U-haul.



Now I told him to clean up his room!

Fun stuff:
Our English cousins always have had a way with words:

















***

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

***
Picture this: Two hens are standing in the barnyard looking down at an egg that is on the ground between them. One of them says to the other, "They're so cute at that age".

***

Home: The place where you can scratch any place you itch.


See you on Monday!

I'm back, part 2, or comments on comments

As I mentioned yesterday, I felt remarkably good when I got home, and the visit from Alison, with or without Scharffenberger chocolate, was just a delight. But last night I had a bit of a setback, so this morning I made an appointment with my M.D. He, in turn, made an appointment for me with his chiropractor, because I was sure that that was what I needed. Now I'm hoping I can get past one in the morning. Haven't had any pain medication for about 8 hours, and not doing too badly. Most any chiropractic adjustment leaves one a bit sore, which takes 18 to 24 hours to clear.

El Camino Hospital is well renowned in this area, if not as famous as Stanford. They are in the process of building a brand new hospital on what used to be the parking lot. This because of seismic problems with the old. The personnel is quite good, though as with all organizations, some people are better than others. My last night there the crew on the swing and graveyard shifts were just super. There was one nurse on the morning shift who, in my humble opinion, was the cutest of the bunch. But ... she had a voice that would shatter glass!

Comments on comments (Alison's blog):

Thank you, thank you to Alicia, Karin, Diana Troldahl, and Pegi for the Happy Birthday wishes.

To Channon: I never got close to birds until I married Amalie. Now I can't seem to keep Pepper off of me. That's Pep climbing up my leg.

Joansie, yes, Alison's visit certainly uplifted my day.

A note to Karin : chronological age is the least important of all the ages, but thank you, anyway.

And LynnM, I think you are just jealous 'cause Alison shared her Scharfennberger's with me. I'd send you some, but I think it would be a mess going through the mails.

Fun stuff:
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items when the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

***

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

I'm BACK!

Now I will admit that this is cheating because I took this photo when I came home from the hospital. But that's what I felt like
when they took me to the hospital.

I woke up about 1 a.m. Tuesday morning in severe pain. So I hit my emergency call button, and the fire department came out , called me an ambulance, and hauled me off to El Camino Hospital. Pain medication got me out of my misery, and I was hospitalized for a couple of days. I'm home now -- still a bit wobbly, but better off here. Those hospital beds are ghastly.

On the other hand, here I am on the day I came home. A little scruffy, with a three day growth of beard, and my hair uncombed, but obviously feeling much better.

And then things got better when Alison came to visit. Too bad I didn't get a photo of her. She is looking good. We had a delightful chat, and she insisted I take some of the Scharfenberger chocolate I had meant for her.

The best news of the day is that my son Clifford is on his way down here (from the state of Washington) and should be here sometime this Saturday. He will be living with me.

Many, many, many thanks for all those nice comments about me on Alison's blog. That was a real cheerer upper!

Yes, yes - you missed the humor. Let's see what I can do for you humor-aholics:


Getting a hair dryer through customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor? ''I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

***

There once was a man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe,
He awoke in the night
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true

There once were two cats in Kilkenny,
Who each thought there one cat too many.
So they fought and they fit,
And they scratched and they bit,
'Til instead of two cats, there weren't any.

***

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school or college was my blood alcohol content.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is said to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Going to church doesn’t make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

***

One day a Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It's certainly not a ship.”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Scot and said to him,
”Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?” '

'Ten years,” replied the amazed Scot.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. ”Ahhh,” said the castaway, “that is so good!
I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

“And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there, removed a flask of scotch, and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. “'Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Scot. “'Tis truly
fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?'” With tears in his eyes, the Scot fell to his knees and sobbed, “OH MY! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!”

Clothes for a wedding

Boyd is a friend of long standing, and recently he told me that he was headed back to Denver where his daughter Nea lives to attend the wedding of Boyd’s grandson. He went on to explain that his daughter has very specific ideas of what Boyd should wear at the ceremony -- he shouldn’t look like he was for the boids.














The clothes should be neat and clean -- no spots or stains -- and she even had specific instructions regarding colors.
















Would I do him a favor and take some photographs to be sent back to said daughter. Sure, of course, anything for a friend.













Then I, with my peculiar sense of humor, suggested that I “spot” or “stain” a couple of pics using Photoshop. “No, no, my daughter doesn’t have that kind of sense of humor.” (Boyd does). Then I asked if I could use this for a posting to my blog, and he said sure. Could I”stain” one or two just for fun? “Go right ahead.”









So Saturday he and his wardrobe posed for me, and you get to see the results.











Humor (other than spots and stains):

Do you recognize any of these?

Mom's Dictionary --
DUMWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS; The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you not raising them right.

HERESAY; What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT; What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE; A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF;; A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE; What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK; Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING; When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL; Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT; None of the kids that live in your house.

Tid bits

Weather or not:
The daily paper gives us the weather for the next several days. Yesterday’s issue predicted 73 degrees for Mountain View (where I live), and 76 degrees for Sunnyvale, which is over my back fence. I asked Eric if I jumped over the fence, would it be 3 degrees warmer? “Of course,” he replied.

In addition, I have emailed to me the weather forecast from Accuweather, an online service which claims to have better forecasting techniques. It’s interesting to compare the paper with the email. The paper also gives me the previous day’s high, so I can check. The online forecast was 71 for Mountain View, which this morning's paper confirmed. Usually they are 2 to 4 degrees apart, and when they are 7 to 8 degrees apart, I start to wonder. Lately, when that disparity occurs, the actual high is somewhere in the middle.

***

From today’s Entertainment section touting the movie “Night at the museum - Battle at the Smithsonian”.
“Definitely funny -- if you’re 9.”

Today’s humor is inspired by a remark made by LynnM:

A young couple went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered the Chicken Surprise. A short while later they were brought a big bowl with a lid on it. The wife started to reach for the lid when all of a sudden the lid raised on its own, two eyes peeked out, and then slammed down again. The wife screamed and shoved the bowl toward the husband saying, “Aahhhck. That scared me. YOU try it.” So the husband reached for the lid, but before he could touch it, the lid again raised up, two eyes peeked out, and then slammed down again. “Wow! That’s strange,” said the husband, and he called the waiter over and explained what had happened. The waiter asked what they had ordered, and when he was told the Chicken Surprise, he said, “Oh, so sorry. I bring you Peking Duck.”

(I told that joke to the owner of a Chinese restaurant, who looked at me blankly for a moment, and when realization hit, just burst out laughing.)

See you on Monday.

Household tip

These are loaf locks. Very handy, and as you can see, quite patriotic. Okay, I deliberately chosh those three colors for this photo.











If you are think "loaf" as in "loaf of bread", you are absolutely right.

But these clips are useful in other applications. How about clipping closed the lips of that tiresome individual who will not cease talking!











But I use them to close packages of shredded potatoes and grated cheese, and ...

frozen peas, and ...

even fresh fruit.

I'll bet you could come up with even more uses.

A bit of sadness

If you enjoy classical music, you may know who Jon Nakamatsu is. Concert pianist, winner of the Van Cliburn International Piano Competition in 1997. Teacher of German at Mountain View High School. But it is doubtful that you know who Marina Derryberry was. She was his teacher since he was 6 years old, and she died recently after a lengthy illness.

But I wondered why the name Derryberry was familiar to me. Not anyone I knew. And then it hit me. Amalie had taught speech to one or more of the Derryberry children, and Am used to tell me about her speech students.

The following is from the Mercury News article by Richard Scheinin:

Jon Nakamatsu, the San Jose-raised concert pianist, lost a dear friend earlier this month. Marina Derryberry, his teacher since he was 6 years old, died after a lengthy illness that had left her bedridden.

"I had such a rock in her," reflects Nakamatsu, now 40, who held her hand as she slipped away May 5 at O'Connor Hospital at age 73. "Her whole focus, always, was for me to become an independent musician. But just knowing that that strength was there was such a comfort."

Well, I live in Mountain View, and Am was a speech teacher. Interesting the connections we make.

* * *

In the not-good-news department, my big scooter has disappeared. The one that, in yesterday’s post, I called the Kidilac. Yesterday evening I went out to pick up the mail, and where the scooter should have been was a big empty space. I’ve made a police report, but I don’t expect to see it again. What is strange, though, is that whoever took it, did not take the charger. Eventually it will run out of power.


Humor time:

A true story: Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, the lady was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But she never realized just how imposing she was until her husband took her out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat them at a table, took a long look at her stomach, and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair, just in case?"

***

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won’t stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won’t shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I’m happy when I’m not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.


The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
Go to my blood so I won’t fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright,
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills…
But what I’d really like to know
Is what tells each one where to go!

Necessity is the mother of invention

The other day when I went grocery shopping I noticed that they had the small round watermelons on sale. You know, they’re about the size of a bowling ball, but without the handy holes found in the bowling ball. I was using the bigger scooter, fondly known as the Kidilac, and it has a big basket on the back. I managed to wrestle a melon into the basket, and when I got to the checkout counter, I was able to reach around and get everything out, except the melon. I told the clerk that it was back there. She said she would get it, and she did.

She had packed all my groceries, except the melon, into one bag. The round ball was on its own in my basket, so that when I came home, it was easy to lift out the bag. However, I had trouble with the watermelon. When I tried to lift it out, it slipped away, and started rolling down the driveway.


I got into one of the small scooters, caught up with the runaway, and managed to get onto the floor of the scooter. Then I rode the scooter onto the elevator that takes me up to the back porch, and managed to roll the melon onto the porch.







Now this was the question: How was I going to get that bowling ba ... er, melon into the house and up onto the counter? I went into the house looking for a solution, and found a bucket.












Now, how was I going to get the melon into the bucket?








Aha! I put the bucket on the elevator, and lowered the elevator so that the top of the bucket was even with the floor of the porch.

















Then I simply rolled the melon into the bucket! The bucket has a handle, so the rest was easy.






Here’s the cut melon. Beautiful, and seedless, too.
Delicious!






Humor:
These great questions and answers are from the days when the "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False: a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

PROCRASTINATION

A columnist in the local paper (Patty Fisher in the San Jose Mercury) wrote, “I’ve been planning to write this column about procrastination for weeks, but something always seemed to get in the way.” And “I’m intimately familiar with the consequences of putting off until tomorrow what I could have done today.”

The phrases I learned were “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.’
And, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.”

She goes on: “Why do I lie in bed on weekends instead of jumping up and doing my to-do list? Because I still hear my father chastising me for wasting the morning. Now that I’m in charge of my time, I revel in the right to waste it.”

I, too, would like to sleep in some mornings. But Eric comes at set times to make my bed, and other chores, and if he makes the bed with me in it, it makes the bed kinda lumpy.

The following video isn’t really humor, but certainly very touching:

“Take your time”

As you may have gathered by now, my birds move faster than I do. And Pepper’s wings are clipped. I race snails.

The phrase first started in 1991 when Am and I took a trip to New Zealand and Australia. We were on a bus tour in New Zealand, when we made our first stop. A museum of some kind, as best I remember. The driver had told us how much time we had, which I duly noted. About five minutes before time was up, I started back to the bus. Being the speed demon that I am, others on the tour went past me, so that buy the time I reached the entrance to the building, I was the last one out.

The bus was perhaps a hundred yards away, and when the driver saw me, he yelled, “Take your time!” And I yelled back, “ Take your time is top speed for me.”

Now it often happens that my doorbell rings, and I hollar, “I’m coming!” And the person calls back, “Take your time!” Well, you know what I say when I finally open the door”!

* * *

Saturday evening a friend and I went to hear the Carmina Burana concert, and it was just great! Funny incident there. One of the ushers said that my wife could help me (with whatever it was), and I said my wife had passed away last November. The usher had mistaken my friend for my wife. I said the person with me was an old friend, and my friend took exception, saying she was a "long time friend". Well, she is younger than I -- by 3 months.

More fun:

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Clifford

My adopted son Cliff is coming to live with me. This has been in the works since Amalie died, and he has had a number of issues to take care of.

Last evening, when we talked, he said he had rented a truck, and expects to be here sometime in the first week of June. I'm looking forward to that. Now it won't be quite so quiet around here at dinner time. And he gets along well with the birds.

He came to help me out after Am's passing, and was a big help, but of course had to return home around the first of the year. Now he will be here.

Fun time:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her 
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh… Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

See you all on Monday.

THE STEVENS CREEK TRAIL

An entrance to the Stevens Creek Trail is only about a mile and a half away from where I live, and about 5 minutes on my big scooter. I took most of these photos about a week ago. One is from the website from which I drew the following text. Amalie and I used to ride our small scooters for a relaxing outing.

***

This man-made trail is named after Stevens Creek, a 20-mile long waterway that starts on the slopes of Black Mountain in the Santa Cruz Mountains. And the creek is named after an early Cupertino settler, Capt. Elisha Stephens. The trail roughly parallels the creek, which it crosses a few times, and for the section we will see, parallels Highway 85 through Mountain View toward Cupertino.

The Stevens Creek Trail is currently a 5.5 mile trail section in Mountain View which extends from Shoreline Park and the Bay Trail all the way under El Camino Real, near its crossing of Highway 85., to Sleeper Avenue. The trail runs through tidal marshlands and natural riparian habitats, providing for recreation and educational opportunities. The trail is regularly used for bicycling, bird watching, commuting, dog walking, education, hiking, jogging, nature walks, running, scootering, roller and inline skating, skateboarding, striding, and walking.

This is not a long trail, but it is one of the best-developed and most ambitious trails in the Bay Area. The existing trail cost around $10 million to build, with funding from a wide range of public and private sources. Building the trail required the construction of several bridges and underpasses, the planting of thousands of trees and shrubs, and the installation of numerous amenities, like benches, signs, and drinking fountains. South of Hwy 101, the trail was built through already-established suburban neighborhoods and along busy major roads, including State Highway 85, the Stevens Creek Freeway. However, because of the extensive landscaping and amenities, the trail is like a natural linear park. It can serve as a model for how to turn previously-unused land into an attractive and vital recreational resource.

This is the bridge across Stevens Creek leading to the trail itself.

As I start up the trail, heading south, I go under the Dana Street bridge. That's the street I use to get to the trail. I f I were to continue on down Dana, I would head into downtown Mountain View.

A lot of greenery on the right side. The creek is down below the trees.

The sound wall separates the trail from the freeway, and does a pretty good job of keeping out the freeway noise.

The bikers (and then me) are headed up the ramp to get high enough to cross over the top of Highway 237, which goes under 85.

This is my shot of the trail over 237.

Again, here is the trail going over 237. This is the shot I didn't take.

Which gets us down to the tunnel under El Camino Real (the King's Highway). El Camino is state Highway 82, but one does not drive this stretch to go any distance. There are shopping centers all up and down the way, and one goes from one town to another without any break. Traffic signals all the way.

This is El Camino overlooking Highway 85. Doesn't have much to do with the trail, but I thought it was a pretty picture.

The cyclist is taking the El Camino entrance to the trail.

I am now on the newest stretch of the trail. Obviously new shrubbery is yet to be planted.

Hikers on the new stretch. He is walking a German Shepard. She has a Chihuahua on the leash.

A family of bikers on the new stretch.






This is the bridge to Sleeper Ave. near the hospital, and at the moment is the southern most part of the trail.



So after all those photos, you still want humor? Let's see what I have:

Seen on the back of a pickup:
Dogs come when you call them; cats have answering machines.

Sign in a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up"

FOOD

That was quite a fuss yesterday. All I was doing was my small part for Alison’s health. Chocolate is a health food, isn’t it? But that isn’t what I wanted to talk about.

I got into the habit of eating as a small child. Before I was married, and lived alone, I became a pretty good cook and fixed most all my own meals. When Am and I were married, it turned out that she was quite a good cook. She used to say that I was easy to please. Well, with what was put on the table, I was easy to please. Then after she had her stroke, and Eric started doing dinners for us, she said she liked doing breakfasts. Hot cakes, waffles, scrambled eggs, muffins, omelets --- yum! And she also served up a dish of fruit and orange juice with banana blended in.

There was one breakfast we did together. Poached egg on shredded potato. She would shred the spuds in the cuisinart. Then she would chop up onion, mushrooms and bell pepper, saute them, and add that to the potato. I would do the poached eggs. (I got the easy part).

Now that she’s gone, I get to do it all on my own. I do prepare a hot breakfast -- eggs with toast, juice, fruit and tea. (Tea? That's another story). (That fruit dish contains honeydew melon, grapes, strawberries and banana). I did try her hot cake recipe with pretty good results. But I’ve missed the poached egg on potato. I’m leery of trying the cuisinart with only one hand, and one day recently when I was in the grocery store, I happened upon a box purporting to be a mashed potato mix. Hmmm, poached egg on mashed potato. Sounded intriguing. So I bought a box, and the other day I tried it. I can follow a recipe, and it called for the mix, water, milk and margarine. Mix well in microwaveable bowl. Oops. microwaveable bowl? Flat dishes, I have, but bowl? I remembered we’d had a big glass Pyrex bowl that Am used in the oven, but I couldn’t find it. And then -- Eureka! I remembered the Corningware bowls with the funny name -- the grabits. That's what they call them. Even comes with a plastic lid for refrigeration purposes. Worked just fine. The end result? Quite good. The potato was a trifle on the heavy side -- I think it needs a bit more milk.

Now if any of you out there are drooling over this, and want me to invite you to breakfast/brunch, please say so. A mind reader I’m not. I do need a little advance notice because I do some of the setup the night before. Now, please, wipe your chin.

From food to fun:

"DEAR ABBY" REVISITED
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
~
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
~
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much on me I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
~
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
~
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
~
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a
psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
~
Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Signed, Wondering.

Dear Wondering. The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
~
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Signed, Sam

Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.
~
Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Signed, Rose

Dear Rose, So would I.

BOOK SUGGESTION

Mysteries! Most all of us like mysteries. Especially murder mysteries. Have you read any of the Brother Cadfael series? Brother Cadfael is a Benedictine monk (he is the herbalist) in twelfth century England. But he did not become a monk until he was in his 60’s. Before that he was a soldier in the Crusades and then a sailor, so he has more knowledge of the outside world than his fellow monks.

Cadfael is called upon in these stories to solve various problems, sometimes at the behest of his superiors, and sometimes not. His knowledge of plants, flowers, herbs, and people often (usually) help to solve the issue at hand.

Ellis Peters is the pseudonym for author Edith Pargeter (who passed away in 1995). There are a total of 20 novels plus one book of three short stories, about Brother Cadfael, which is titled “ A Rare Benedictine”. One of the short stories, "A Light on the Road to Woodstock", tells how Cadfael became a monk, and the other two, "The Price of Light" and "Eye Witness", are short versions of the novels. One of those two is an absolute gem of a story, but I don't remember which one.

Many of these stories were re-created for TV, with Derek Jacobi as Cadfael.

It's no mystery that most (all?) of us like jokes. So ...

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help men and women cope with the stress that builds during the day, especially with the Holidays. You may have this Menu already....but it is always the time of year to read it again!!

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the Freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

SPORTSMANSHIP

The following article was in the sports section of the Sunday paper. This is slightly edited and abbreviated. Too often we see or hear about the bad things that sports figures do, and I found this to be so refreshing, that I decided to share it with you.

And then I was reminded of another unusual act of sportsmanship that took place about a year ago. I remembered the general drift of the story, but not the specific details. So I looked it up (in Google, of course), and there it was, complete with photo. I hope you find these stories as uplifting as I did. And, yes, there is a bit of humor at the end.

A great day for baseball
By Daniel Brown
San Jose Mercury News

Manuel Madrid of Gonzales High fielded the ball cleanly and looked up to see the pinch runner making an ill-advised dash toward home. This wasn't an ordinary pinch runner. Will Rudolph has cerebellar ataxia, a mild form of cerebral palsy. He has problems with motor skills, balance and speech.

Over the course of the previous three weeks Carmel High Coach Randall Bispo got permission from Will's parents, got him a uniform and, without a word to the Gonzales side, got him in the game. That's how Will Rudolph suddenly found himself running like mad for home plate.

For Madrid, the smart play was to throw to the plate. But he didn't make the smart play. He made the genius play: Madrid threw the ball to first. The run scored. Will Rudolph scored.

"I was going to throw home, but then I realized who it was,'' Madrid said. "It was the right thing to do, to give the kid a special moment." It wasn't just Will's special moment. Carmel High teammates bounded from the dugout and hoisted Rudolph on their shoulders. "Like a family picking up a brother," catcher Calen Urquhart said.

In the stands, Will's mom, Michelle Rudolph, violated that old rule about no crying in baseball. And she had a head start on everybody else. "I started crying when I heard the coach say, 'No. 30 pinch-running for No. 14,''' she said. "And I haven't stopped crying since."

Rudolph's run was the final tally in Carmel's 12-1 victory. But the phrase "meaningless run" does not apply here.

* * *

Will’s chance came Tuesday, when he ran for Alberto Palafox at third base. From the moment Will came loping out of the dugout, he got a standing ovation. Will, who hadn't been on base since Little League, took his lead off third, sizing up the pitcher with one out in the sixth inning. Michael Gerlach, the batter, knew what was at stake. "I wasn't feeling pressure. I was more rejoicing about the chance to get him in," Gerlach said. "I wanted to give him the highlight of his whole high school experience."

After he hit the ball and ran toward first, Gerlach looked over to see Madrid preparing to throw home. Gerlach was horrified. All the while, Gonzales catcher Francisco Banuelos was pointing for Madrid to throw to first. At the last second, Madrid decided to let the run score.

Then the third baseman looked sheepishly toward his pitcher. Oscar Hernandez stared back. They both smiled.
"I don't think it mattered to him,'' Madrid said. "He knew it was special."

Michelle Rudolph recognized instantly what Madrid had done. A former San Diego State softball player, she knew the third baseman is trained to throw home on that play. Immediately after the final out, she headed for the Gonzales side of the field. She found a gaggle of boys milling about near the snack shack. "Which one of you was the third baseman when my son was on the field?'' she asked. Nobody needed to ask her who her son was. Madrid came forward and Michelle poured her heart out. She thanked the him for his sportsmanship, for his class, for his thinking and for making his family's dreams come true.

* * *
Later that night, Michelle Rudolph, sent an e-mail to Gonzales High Principal Tom Brownell.

"I just wanted you to know what a wonderful sight it was to see a young man such as your player understand what this meant to William without even knowing him," she wrote. "Thank you for having such wonderful sportsmanship on your team."

* * * *

About a year ago, in the second game of a doubleheader, Western Oregon's Sara Tucholsky slammed what appeared to be a three-run homer over the centerfield fence, the senior's first in either high school or college. But Tucholsky wrenched her knee at first base and collapsed.

Umpires ruled that a pinch-runner could replace Tucholsky, but she would be credited with a single and only two runs would count. After being assured there was no rule against it, Central Washington first baseman Mallory Holtman and shortstop Liz Wallace carried Tucholsky around the bases, completing her homer and adding a run to a 4-2 loss that eliminated Central Washington from postseason.

* * *
A bit of fun:
The scene: A man is sitting at his computer typing an e-mail. He says: “Dear Andy: How have you been? Your mother and I are fine. We miss you. Please sign off your computer and come downstairs for something to eat. Love, Dad.”

***

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.