X MARKS THE SPOT!

Kerplop!

This is the cart I use to transport stuff to and from the kitchen. Handy gadget.

I fell down last evening, and since I am unable to get up on my own, I pushed my emergency call button, and the fire department came out and picked me up.

“Are you hurt?” they asked.

“Only my pride”, said I.

It’s not that my balance is poor -- miserable would be a more apt term. I’m not even sure how it happened. I think maybe my feet were mis-positioned.

I do everything I can to stay, as Eric puts it, vertical. All sorts of little tricks, like keeping my feet spread apart, and leading with my left foot, as well as a few other things. I’m in a program through Stanford University called “Freedom from Falls”. They tell me I should exercise more. I quite agree, but agreeing and doing are two different things.

Enough of this. I have a few other postings lined up for this week that should prove far more interesting. On to something more humorous:

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.

Some Hawaiian photos

I don't know how things got turned around, but the Saturday post is labeled THURSDAY. Go down to the next post to pick it up. Thanks.

Several weeks ago I posted some photos of Amalie and me on board the ship to Hawaii. Today let's have a brief look at some of our best pics in the islands.






This shot of the sun coming through the clouds is fairly typical of the islands. At this point we are not quite there yet.

Ah,we are approaching the Hilo side of the Big Island, Hawaii. That waterfall is only one of many in the islands, but one of our better shots.

Now we are on the Kona side, and that is the crater of one of the two volcanoes.

Have a look at Kona harbor. This is one of the two ports where our ship could not dock because the ship is too big.

We did take a tour, and this is a church spire in Kona.

On to Oahu.
This is a statue of King Kamehameha in downtown Honolulu.

This is a clock tower in Honolulu. I don't know who is in the wheelchair in the foreground, but that is I in the scooter a bit further back. That means that Am took the picture.












Now we are off the coast of Kauai. That is a lighthouse in the center of the picture.


We will continue on Kauai in tomorrow's post.


A bit of humor:

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!

* * *

Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Some more views of Hawaiian Islands

To continue in the island of Kauai -
We took this helicopter for some aerial views of the island.






Yes, we were on it.

Kauai shoreline
We were told that many of these beaches can be reached only by boat.

It is pretty, and pretty hilly.

More shoreline.

I think some of those white spots are houses.
If they are, then the residents don'tneed a boat to get to the beach. But they do to go buy groceries.

We're still in the chopper.

Looking at this, it becomes obvious that this is volcanic rock. Note the hole near the bottom left.

(I have no idea why this is underlined)









We have to take the ship's tender into Lahaina, Maui, because our cruise ship is too big. As a result we cannot take our scooters, so we did not get any decent photos.

That's a pity because Lahaina is a charming little town.









Well, there it is. Our floating hotel just offshore from Maui. Too big to dock at the port. But now we will turn back and head for San Diego.



Humor:
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

Who is she?

Many years ago, soon after Amalie and I were married, she said to me, "We're going to hear Carmina Burana". "Great", said I, "who is she?" "No, no,," she chided, "it's a musical production up at the Mountain Winery". And so we did. The Mountain Winery has a small, out-of-doors theater. The day was warm (spelled H O T), and while the production may be orchestral only, or orchestra plus chorus, in this instance, it was orchestra plus chorus plus dance ensemble. A most impressive performance.

From Google:
"Carmina Burana is a scenic cantata composed by Carl Orff between 1935 and 1936. It is based on 24 of the poems found in the medieval collection Carmina Burana. Its full Latin title is Carmina Burana: Cantiones profanae cantoribus et choris cantandae comitantibus instrumentis atque imaginibus magicis ("Songs of Beuern: Secular songs for singers and choruses to be sung together with instruments and magic images.")"

Now a friend and I will hear it a week from Saturday, and I won't have to ask "Who is she?"
This is a production by the Peninsula Symphony, a local group, well known in the area. We are looking forward to it.

Fun time:
A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"

Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."

The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."

Nicknames and admonitions

Sorry that I don't have any photo to go with this topic. I was told that bloggees like purdy pitchers.

Anyway -- as a kid I had a very high pitched voice, and the other kids in the neighborhood nicknamed me "squeaky". Unfortunately, my high voice continued into adulthood, and when I had jobs that required me to be on the phone, persons who didn't know me would respond to me with "Yes ma'am," or "No ma'am". Needless to say this irritated me so that I finally went to a speech therapist to get my pitch down. It worked pretty well unless I got excited, at which point I'd start sounding like a soprano again.

I remember one incident where I was on the phone with someone who kept saying "Yes ma'am," or "No ma'am". So I consciously tried lowering the pitch as I was taught. It worked so well that by the end of the conversation, the other person was saying "Ma'am?"

At home I was Don, unless someone was angry or annoyed with me, in which case it was "DONald!!"

Everyone called Amalie "Am", (as in "the great I am").

Amalie came up with a great nickname for our Cockatiel, Pepper -- Miss Poopsalot. No, she doesn't answer to that.

Admonitions
You are probably aware how some people end their emails -- "Have a good day", "Be good", "Stay well", and the like. Because of my history of falling, what gets said to me is "Don't fall down", or "Stay upright", or -- the latest, "Stay vertical".

Humor:
Too Little, Too Late

A man arrived at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter opened the gate and said, “I’ve been checking your file. I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I’ll tell you what—if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, I’ll admit you.”

So the man answered, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of thugs attaching a poor man along the side of the road. So I pulled over, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron, and walked straight up to the gang’s leader—a huge, ugly guy with a chain running from his nose to his ear. Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, “You all leave this poor man alone! Go home before I teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!”

Impressed, St. Peter asked, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did all this happen?”

"Oh, about two minutes ago.”

Amalie's speech student

Amalie was a speech teacher in the grammar schools, and was fond of telling of the time she had an eight year old boy with a lisp. She had him chatting away, and correcting him as necessary. Somehow they were talking about insects, and Amalie asked him if he knew the difference between an insect and a spider. He said that a spider has eight legs, but an insect has six. “How do you happen to know that?” she asked him. His response: “I uthed to be an entymologitht.”

(Now if you don't believe him, count the legs for yourself.)

Humor:

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Nanoseconds

A nanosecond is one billionth of a second. I really cannot conceive of a billionth of anything, but these photos are intended to convey the speed necessary to capture the subjects when they did.

Enjoy!











































































Humor:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother' she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

* * *
The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.