Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I didn’t slip, I wasn’t pushed, I FELL!

I really was hoping to get away from health issues, but ...

I have had trouble standing up the past month, and this morning I almost made it straight up, but I lost my balance and fell. Don’t know how it happened, but the toes of my left foot hurt. Cliff iced it down for me, and after due consideration, I called 911. They hauled me off to the Emergency Room of our local hospital, where they x-rayed the foot. The results? Three hairline fractures of the second, third, and fourth metatarsals. They fitted me with a shoe cast, and now I’m sitting in a rented wheelchair narrow enough to go down my hallway. Cliff gets to push. Aaarrghhh!

How about something funny. (The above is NOT!)

A TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
~
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow?
~
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
~
TEACHER: Ronald, what is the chemical formula for water?
RONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
RONALD: Yesterday, you said it's H to O.
~
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
~
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now,
Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
~
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Monday, June 29, 2009

More news on the health front.

Frankly, I’m getting tired of all this medical stuff. I’m hoping (yes, and praying) that I can get on to more interesting happenings -- like the Ice Cream Social that Cliff and I are planning for our Mobile Home Park.

Sunday morning started badly very early -- as in shortly after midnight. I was in extreme pain,
andIcamethisclose to calling 911 and asking them to haul me off to the hospital. Instead I called my M.D.’s answering service looking for the on-call doctor. Ultimately my own doctor reached me and advised a heavier dose of morphine. Took that and finally got to sleep. He said he would get back to me later that day.

My M.D. consulted with another doc, and they think I may have prostatitis -- an inflammation and/or infection of the prostate. He said that both the location and level of pain point to that diagnosis. It's treatable without going to the hospital. He ordered me both an anti-inflammatory and an antibiotic, which I have started to take.

I slept large chunks of Sunday. Now it is 9 p.m., and I feel fairly decent. Time for more of the medication he ordered. More of this tale as it unwinds and finally wags.

How about something funny? And how did you do with Saturday’s quiz? Are you as smart as a 4 year old?

THE DIFFERENCE IN WIVES

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Idaho, and bragged that he had told her she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that on the first day he didn't see any results, but
that the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and a huge dinner awaited him on the table.

The third man had married a California girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and folded, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

HEALTH ISSUES--WISH WE KNEW

Well, it appears that degeneration of my right hip is not the problem, so at least I don’t need a hip replacement. Someone suggested bursitis, so my M.D. says that can be treated. Call Monday. I shall.

Saw the chiropractor today - Saturday, yet! This guy is a wonder when it comes to treating me.

Maybe one of these days we will figure out what in the dickens is going on. I might use stronger language, but I’ll refrain.

Next post on Monday.

Let’s try some humor --


WILD ANIMAL QUIZ

This short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't go to the next item until you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? After you answer the question, scroll down for the answer, and the next question.









WILD ANIMAL QUIZ, continued
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.









2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? After you answer the question, scroll down for the answer, and the next question.









WILD ANIMAL QUIZ, continued
Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.









3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one... Which animal does not attend? After you answer the question, scroll down for the answer, and the last question.










WILD ANIMAL QUIZ, continued
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? After you answer the question, scroll down for the answer, and the conclusion.









WILD ANIMAL QUIZ, concluded
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Friday, June 26, 2009

HEALTH CONCERNS

Frankly, I have been both astonished and gratified at the number of people who have shown concern about my health. As I noted in a recent posting, no one seems to know what is causing all this pain.

How do I feel? In words of one syllable or less, I hurt. Actually, I feel pretty good (nothing at all) when I'm asleep. I slept quite a lot on Thursday. The doctors seem relieved that the bone scan did not show anything new, but ... what is it?


as I commented tor someone, I don't tend to post about my health problems because to me it sounds like complaining, and I don't like complainers, including me. My son puts up with me, thank Heaven. If you think I should say more in the postings, I'll try to be factual.

I’ve never done this before. Perhaps your prayers will reveal to SOMEbody what the problem is, and (I hope this isn’t asking to much) what to do about it.

My son Cliff says he’s going to stop asking how I feel because each time he does, I give him this grim look. (Some comedian years ago made a comment about drinking gin and making rye faces. Except I can make rye faces without drinking the gin.)

***
Following day, Saturday, June 26:
Saw my chiropractor today. His considered opinion is that my trouble is in the right hip, and there is not much that he can do with chiropracty. He suggests a hip x-ray to determine what, if anything, should be done. Cortisone shot? Hip replacement? Shoot me? I’m pretty disgusted. I can’t even lie in bed for any length of time.

Sorry for all this griping. Let’s try a bit of humor:

THIS IS A DETECTIVE STORY
So Pay Close Attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely, mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base? Think! Think some more!! You're gonna love it. Answer is below the next funny.

FUNNY NOTES FROM PATIENT CHARTS

~ "The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."

~ "Discharge status: Alive, but without permission."

~ "On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely."

~ "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

~ "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

DETECTIVE STORY ANSWER

It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

BONE REPORT

Yesterday I heard from my M.D. about the bone scan I’d had the day before:

“The scan doesn't show anything incriminating. . The radiologist thought the left rib markings were from old fracture.”

Well, yeah, I’d had cracked ribs a couple of times in prior years. But that report leaves me where I was before -- without an explanation for the pain. Maybe my chiropractor is on the right track. I had nasty thigh pain yesterday along with rubbery legs. Had a devil of a time getting out of a chair. Turns out that by adjusting my neck (of all parts of the anatomy) my legs got better. (the knee bone be connected to the thigh bone; the thigh bone be connected to ...)

So! Enough with symptoms. Let’s laugh, or at least chuckle: (I seldom find blonde jokes, or other specific group jokes funny, but this one caught my fancy. BTW, have I told the story about the blonde getting on a plane to New York, and wants to sleep? Some guy wants to take advantage of her apparent dumbness, but the joke has a twist.) Anyway ...

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde : "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder .

St. Peter: "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

BONES


(As they say in Hollywood, Adapted from a True Story.)

I have been having pain in my right hip area for several weeks, and the doctors have not yet determined the cause. So Monday my M.D. recommended I get a bone scan of the area. My appointment was yesterday, and I showed up at the appropriate time. No. Wait. That isn’t quite correct. I showed up at nuclear medicine when they told me to -- the appropriate time would have been 30 minutes later.

Hold on --what is nuclear medicine? It is a branch of medicine and medical imaging that uses radioactive isotopes in the diagnosis and treatment of disease. They use a gadget that looks somewhat like an oversized, out of shape, doughnut. Well, that’s what came to my mind. They laid me out on this narrow table, covered me with a warm blanket, and told me not to move. Then the “doughnut” moved back and forth over the table (and me), as well as tilt from side to side, and took pictures. At least that’s what I was told.

My M.D. had ordered a bone scan of my right hip/groin/thigh/buttock area, and I wondered why this was taking so long. Then when my head was above the “doughnut”, I glanced to my right, and there on a computer monitor was -- me -- without any skin. How embarrassing! I asked the technician why my whole skeleton was there, and he said he had called my doctor and requested to do the whole body scan. Apparently my doctor agreed.

Somehow I got the notion that I had been chosen “Bone Model of the Week”, and I will appear in the next issue of BONES TO PONDER, a new scientific publication due out sometime in the next decade.

When it was over, the technician assured me that the glow around my body would fade within 24 hours, but warned me to not go outside at night as I might scare the bejabbers out of other people and animals.

Now this video may not be funny, but it certainly is astonishing.
Maybe from a magic show?
Dunno.

video

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

DON’T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF

When I first arrived at Fort Ord, I was issued one pair of G.I. glasses, that is, glasses with steel rims. Very chic! By the end of basic training, as previously described, we each received our army job numbers (MOS), and I knew I was to be a company clerk -- somewhere. The next step was to receive orders -- where we were to be assigned. As expected, I received orders for the Far East. Then it was a matter of going through processing for shipment overseas. (No, they didn’t send us Parcel Post).

As I went through the line, at one point I was asked if I had two pair of G.I.glasses. No, Sir, I only have this one pair I’m wearing. At which point they yanked me off orders, and told to go back to my basic company, wait for the second pair, at which time I would be back on orders for the Far East.

So I trudged back to my now empty basic company, save for the trainers (derisively known as RA’s - regular army). For some days I sat in the Supply Room with the Supply Sergeant, swapping stories. Then one day I had notice that my second pair of glasses were in, and I picked them up. A day or two later, there I was in the Supply Room when a call came over the squawk box, “Meyer, you’re wanted in the Orderly Room”.
“Yes, Sir.” The Orderly Room was right across the street, so I trotted around, and went in.
“Yes, Sir?”
“ Meyer, you’re wanted on the telephone.” (The thought that ran through my head: me? li’l ol’ private meyer? wanted on the phone?) I picked up the phone: “Private Meyer, Sir.” (Technically speaking we were supposed to say ‘sir’ only to commissioned officers, but at that point EVERYBODY was ‘sir’.)

“Meyer, we understand you’ve received your second pair of G.I.glasses.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“You can go back on FECOM orders, and get your 15 days leave, or you can be assigned to Fort Lawton, Washington immediately without the leave.”

Well I can tell you that was a hard decision to make. I took a long time mulling that over -- at least a tenth of a second.

“I’ll take the Fort Lawton assignment, Sir.”

When I told this story to my son Cliff, who had spent 4 years in the army, he gave me a startled look, and exclaimed, “You mean they gave you a CHOICE?

Yeah. Li’l ol’ me - given a choice. Unheard of! I knew I would get my leave SOME time. As it was, they gave me train tickets into San Francisco, and then from S.F. up to Seattle. I had three days to get to Fort Lawton, and they gave me three days worth of meal tickets. As it was, when I arrived in San Francisco, I walked down into the station, cashed in my train tickets, went around to Western Airlines and bought an airline ticket to Seattle for two days later, and stayed home for the two extra days. Then when I arrived on post, I checked in and cashed in my meal tickets. I think I came out ahead on the deal. Never did get overseas. With my two pair of G.I. glasses.

Humor time:













Monday, June 22, 2009

Nuthin' but fun

This has been a busy medical day, with which I will not bore you.
Instead let's have some fun.

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING 
A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong 
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.



























Now this video is really funny!







video

Saturday, June 20, 2009

A Tale of Two Cockies

A Story of Love, Compassion, Friendship & Loyalty

About eight years ago a wild Australian Sulphur Crested Cockatoo flew into a car and broke its wing. The motorist took it to the Vet in Nerang, Queensland, who had to amputate the wing. We adopted her - for which we needed a National Parks and Wildlife permit - and kept her in a cage outside where she was often visited by wild Cockatoos. One of the things that impressed us was how she would push lettuce leaves through the bars of the cage, offering food to visitors.

Last Sunday 23 July 2006, she again had a visitor.







As usual he spent a lot of time sitting on the cage with a tamper proof latch.



















There was a lot of talking and grooming. A bloke has to look presentable when courting a bird!

















Things got interesting when he approached the front door. . .

















The clever fellow figured out how to undo the tamper proof latch!












He opened the door for a lot of mutual grooming and food sharing...


















Oooh that's nice! Scratch a bit more on that side, dear...

















He was not shy to get into the cage and would go in and out a number of times.
















They mated! We are looking forward to beautiful baby cockatoos. Will keep you posted.














Later on, the whole extended family came visiting but the special mate was back every day so far.










We leave the door open during the day but if we forget, it doesn't matter - cockatoos have intelligence that rival primates. Because she has only one wing, she stays inside or just sits on top. Guess what happened next...







The Babies

At first it seemed as though he was annoyed because she did not fly off with him and he would squawk a lot. He soon came to understand that she could not fly so he just stayed. However, she was no longer returning to her cage. The two of them would stay in the trees in our garden and because the yard is well fenced, they were safe from dogs but the neighbour's cat is not kept indoors at night and we often have to chase it away. Chances are the cat would come off second best in a confrontation with a Cockatoo but at night cats remain a danger because they could stalk a sleeping bird on the ground.






Cockatoos make their nests in hollow logs but we noticed the male hard at work digging a hole under a clump of Lilly Pilly trees. We put down a hollow log for them but they just ignored us. The nest he dug was a hole with a short tunnel leading off to where she laid her eggs. Once there were eggs in the nest, the male became extremely aggressive. You better not get near the nest or he will take chunks of flesh from your foot. It was difficult to take these pictures because I literally had to steal them while running away from the male.













We kept a vigil to see how things were progressing. They took turns incubating the eggs and covering the tunnel. After about three weeks, the eggs hatched. Have a careful look at this picture and try to spot the bit of yellow fluff.









Whenever Mum & Dad Cockatoo leave the nest, we try to get a look but you have to do it while running because Dad Cockatoo is chasing you!














Second lap running around the Lilly Pilly trees!








Well, I hope his mother thinks he is pretty and eventually I might think so too but at the moment, both of them just look like pink balls with a bit of yellow fluff.






They are growing fast and if the Dad allows me, I'll try to get some more pictures as they grow up and share with you.

And humor, too:
WELL PLANNED

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Friday, June 19, 2009

THE STARRY SKIES


On a clear night we can gaze at the starry skies and wonder at its beauty. If we have a small telescope, we can see even more detail. But our view of the heavens is limited by the earth’s atmosphere.

The Hubble Space Telescope is a robotic telescope located on the outer edge of our atmosphere. It was named as a tribute to Edwin Hubble, and was launched into space on April 24, 1990. These are just a few of the magnificent wonders photographed by the Hubble, unseen by the naked eye. Enjoy!







M42: Orion Nebula














M57: Ring Nebula






Here is the Galaxy Hat, also called M 104 in the Messier catalog, distance of about 28 million light-years it is considered the best photograph taken by Hubble.









Nebula MZ3, called Fourmi, between 3000 and 6000 light years















Eskimo Nebula NGC 2392 located 5000 light years












The impressive Nebula Cat's Eye















The Hourglass Nebula located 8000 light years away, a beautiful nebula with a narrowing in its central part.







Two swirling galaxies, the NGC 2207 and IC 2163 located 114 million light-years.














NGC 2237: The Rosette Nebula









And after all that, you want something funny? Too bad I don't have an astronomy joke.
Well, let's see.

I love carbs, but they don't like me;
Look at my thighs, so all can see--
A curse that comes from too much pie
Snack cakes, sweet tea, ham on rye.

Go to the gym four times per week,
Dance class twice, stay with beat,
Bend knees, side step, back once more,
Hang tough, fall down, hit the floor.

Jump rope, bike hard, swim ten laps
Push up, pull back, walk real fast.
Lean, mean shape and abs of steel
Less food in, needs good strong will.

Now, for you, this tale is done;
Look out, bake shop, here we come!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

PICK A NUMBER -- ANY NUMBER

Sorry I'm late with this. Had trouble getting online.

ARMY ADVENTURES - Fort Ord #3

As I’d mentioned previously, after my hospitalization, I was assigned to an 8 weeks basic training company. We were told that by the last week of training, we would either receive a heavy weapons MOS (that’s a number describing the job trained for), or, failing that, a light weapons number. None of us were delighted with the notion of going to Korea, but heavy weapons was preferred, because light (presumably) would be in the very front lines. And we knew which number was which.

So in the last week, there was posted on the side of the Orderly Room all the trainee names with corresponding MOS number. There was quite a crowd around the posting when I managed to get there, so I had to wait, and then try to squeeeeze my way in. Scanned down the list for my name, and then across to the number. Now at this late date I do not remember the numbers, so I’m making up my own. Let’s say heavy weapons was 5401, and light weapons was 5515. As I scanned down the list, I was seeing 5401’s and 5515’s. Got to my name -- 4050. (Made up number). 4050? What on earth is that? So I went into the Orderly Room and asked the company clerk, “What’s a 4050?” He looked at me blankly, and finally said, “I dunno.” Interesting. Since he was a company clerk, HE was a 4050. Bright fellow. At any rate, I think my bum knee was doing its job. I was to be a company clerk. I did have typing skills, and office experience. My guess is that they were not going to put me in the front lines with a bum knee, and the chance to shoot one of our own. Even if they were sending me to the Far East. The next step was to receive orders. Most all of us expected orders for FECOM -- Far East Command. And that likely meant Korea, though some lucky souls might end up in Japan. We were told that following the end of training, we would be receiving 15 days leave before departure to wherever. We all looked forward to THAT!

Next time -- army glasses, and how things get screwed up.

Humor: funny signs










































Tuesday, June 16, 2009

LOOK-A-LIKES

Following my post of the dog-and-cat video rip-em-up, one comment wondered what the pet OWNERS were like. This evolved into a brief email exchange that eventually came around to pet owners who look like their pets. That led to my commenter sending me a URL showing a number of owner/pet look alikes. Well, why not? I’m happy to bring you these pairings for your own amusement and edification. Enjoy!












































































Now this last one is a real dandy. I defy you to tell the owner from the pet!











Please note: Today is Tuesday, June 16. My next post will be on Thursday.

Okay, humor :

Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
A: Because she wanted to mail a litter.

Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A: So he won't be spotted.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!

Q: What do you call nervous insects?
A: Jitterbugs!

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: Why couldn't the skunk use her phone?
A: It was out of odor.